very very very sad.

When you are sad,
very very very sad,
you feel this thing in your throat which somehow is connected to your nose,
your tummy,
and then your eyes.

First, you'll feel that your nose has this squishy squashy sound,
and then your tummy will feel as though someone has punch it such that it feels really really sunken,
and finally, your eyes will be teary,
And before you know it, you'll be crying in the middle of the bus interchange.
Everybody will be looking at you thinking, 'Hahahah. this girl is so stupid. Cry for what."
But sometimes you can't help it because you are very very very sad.
And when you are very very very sad,
you just need to cry.

The dying rose and the local beauty.

Today, I brought home a dying rose from school.

But before the rose dies, I decided to teach Paris how to pose with a rose.
After all, as a girl, there must be this one time in your life that you have to pose with a rose.

It's really easy to teach her.
She's a natural at posing.

Who says local girls are not pretty?
Just look at Paris.
She's not a Siamese kitty, or a thousand dollar flat face kitty,
but,
she's beautiful.

Since school has started yesterday, I miss Paris terribly.
It's sucks being so far away from her for six hours plus every day.
I keep thinking about her.
I feel a little sad.
I just want to be with Paris every single second, like during the holidays.

Purpose in life.

You know, everything has got a purpose in life.
The sun is there to keep us warm.
The animals are there to survive.
Flowers are there to beautify the world.
People are all over the place to keep you company when you're lonely.
But me?
What's the purpose in my life?
Really. I have no purpose.
I had an argument with bf about his friends earlier on.
And he said something which hit me real hard.
"I've known my friends longer than you," he said.
Which goes to show that my level of importance is NIL to him.
He always said that to me.
The person whom I think is really important to me.


I feel really down.
Like, useless.
I don't know how to express this but I really feel useless.
I don't feel like meeting people.

But then I see my parents.
And there is Paris.
My parents need me to give them a better life in the future.
Paris needs me because I'm her mother.
And I'm responsible for her life.
So yah. I can't die yet.
Not yet.

Tomorrow will be two weeks.
I don't know if bf can still accept me.
Because, I just don't want to gain weight.
It's okay if we're over.
I still have Paris and my parents.

Muffins and I'm not anorexic! Watahell?

Since school is starting really soon, I've decided to do some baking before I really have no time to bake.

So, I've decided to bake some blueberry muffins.

Yup, my blueberry muffins look pretty.
But the taste is sucky.
The muffins are salty (because I accidentally used salted butter instead of unsalted butter. hahah.) and not sweet enough (the recipe book sucks).

So I really wasted my money for the stoopid blueberry muffins which cost six dolls for one stoopid really small packet.
Sobs.
My ma got pissed for wasting money,
I got pissed for being stupid enough to listen to the recipe book.
Well, at least the muffins are really healthy with really little butter and sugar. =D

Luckily I got some leftover Hershey's baking chocolate from baking brownies and baked really really awesome chocolate muffins with extra extra chocolate chips (also Hershey's)!
AAAAAAARRRRGH!
And I had to watch out my diet.
I've just eaten two of these muffins.
I gave bf ten.
My younger bro ate more than ten.
My dad ate about five.
My ma ate about five.
Big bro ate three.
And younger bro ate all the remaining.

ooooOOOOH. Lovely chocolate muffins!

Let me straighten some curly hair...
I am not anorexic. I realised that I've attracted the wrong kind of responses for my "two weeks and I'm sorry" post.
The fact is that I'm eating a balanced meal, three times a day and have been exercising three times a week.
When I say balanced meal, I mean less rice, more fruits and vegetables with grilled chicken or fish. No such thing as french fries, fried food and all. No such thing as snacking on nasty chips or chocolates, no sweet drinks, just plain water. And I'm snacking on fruits only.
But I didn't expect myself to really lose a lot of weight.
And unfortunately people around me are not used to me being thin because I have all along been fat.
So they think that I've not been eating when actually I AM EATING.
And they get worried, thinking that I'm turning anorexic.

I'm useless, that's what you said.

Big bro came home from work.
He went to his room.
I followed him.
I smiled at big bro.
Big bro said: "What?"
I said: "Thanks for the uh, pink slippers you bought for me the other day, though they're too big but they're still pink."
Silence.
Big bro took off his shirt to reveal his bulging tummy.
I said: "It's so sweet of you to buy younger bro the Addidas jacket."
Silence.
Bf is sms-ing someone on his handphone.
I said: "Oh, and I saw this bag from O'Neil. It's really pretty. A haversack. Pink. With lovely hearts all over it. It's cute. And it's only $59 plus. Heh."
Big bro said: "So? Ask your bf. Cisco boys like me have no money. Your bf is so smart, gonna get diploma, right."
I said: "Who says so? Cisco boys rock! With their lovely police-like uniforms! Bf is just bf. Bf suck. Not like you... heh."
Big bro said: "Whatever,Cisco boys are useless, no money. I'm useless, that's what you said. I don't study well. I'm dumb. Not like your bf. So smart."
Silence.
Big bro went out of his room.
Sometimes, whatever I say just hurt the people around me.

Paris and Pinkie

Paris sleeps with Pinkie, her teddy.
She's so cute.
But she's sooo thin.
I can't wait for her to get fat like Chanel.
Recap: Chanel is bf's kitty. She's now big and fat.
I love Paris.

Over Teh Tarik

Pa said: "Quick, your ma wants to treat us to some teh tarik in the coffee shop downstairs!"
I said: "Owhkay, but I wanna shit first."
Younger bro: "Wah, got money suddenly?" (Yah, we're that poor when Ma's not working).

So Ma came home from work.
I miss her. It's been a week.
And my family has very much suffered my cooking.
And I can't wait for her to get her pay so we can go shopping.

Ordered some teh tarik at the coffee shop.
Lotsa food.
Ma ate a lot.
Younger bro ate more.
Pa ate a little.
I ate none.

When Ma eats a lot, it means something is not good. Really not good.
Younger bro said: "So what's the occasion?"
Ma let out a huge sigh.
I said: "Oh no."
Ma said: "Boss said she can't afford to pay me."
Silence, except for the sound of younger bro gobbling down his food.

Ma said to me: "Don't give me that face. You look very ugly."
Pa said: "Hah, Malay bosses can never be trusted."
Ma said: "At least I've got $400."
I said: "So, you're not going to work anymore?"
Ma shook her head.
I said: "So we can't go shopping?"
Ma gobbled more food.
I sank in my chair.
Life is really unfair.

I said: "Well, at least nobody's gonna suffer my cooking anymore."

New Face 2009

I went to TNP's New Face 2009 competition yesterday to support bf's cuzzie, Nana (Farhanah).
It's really unbelievable that she could be in the 20 finalist. I mean, she doesn't camwhore, she doesn't wear make-up and she's suddenly in the competition, so pretty and all. I'm proud of her.
Yesterday, I saw her strutting down the runway, I was like "Wah!".
I didn't know that she could be so vogue. She doesn't even tell people about her joining NF '09. I got to know only when I saw her in the papers.
She's really freaking humble.

The opening was a bunch of gay-looking guys wearing t-shirts with just underwear dancing vigorously to an irritating song.
So irritating!
The irritatingness reminded me of Shiela's bf, Luqman.
Hahah. Sorry babe.

The winner of NF'09 was some really pretty girl, Victoria Bradburry.
The runner-ups are really ugly. Both of them looked like Bai Ling. So disgustingly ugly!
But, Nana got picked with 4 other girls to go on a runway for some brand with international models! Owh MY GOD!!!!!!!! I'm so freaking jealous! No fair!
I guess, she's gonna be a supermodel.

Owh, to entertain us all was Kumar. Real funny she-man. Really got all of us laughing.

We got goodie bags. Of course, in it is The New Paper. Hahah.
Owh, M.A.C lip gloss, eyeshadow and voucher!
Yeay!

Got home and hugged Paris.
I had left her when she was asleep with no one at home.
Hahah. Sorry Paris.

Two weeks and I'm sorry

Yesterday's yesterday, at about 1p.m., I was with bf on the train.
There were many many people on the train.
Bf suddenly looked into my eyes,
took my hands close to his chest and said: "Please. Please eat."
I looked down at my big thighs.
I looked down at my bulging tummy.
Bf said: "You're all skin and bones. It's disgusting."
I looked up at bf in disbelief.
I just want to be thin.
What is so wrong about that?
Bf said: "Two weeks. Two weeks to get back your original shape. Or, we're over."
I looked down at my fat tummy.
I looked down at my fat thighs.
It's impossible.
I can't eat more or I'll be fatter than ever.
I took my hands away.
Looked up at bf and said: "I'm sorry."
I walked towards the other direction of the train and looked out of the window.
My eyes smudged with eyeliner.

Straighten the curly hair.

I don't know what happened, but I think I've done something that makes my ma think that bf is not a good bf.
This is what my ma said this morning: "He doesn't appreciate you. He puts his friends first than you. I have to admit he is a good boy but putting my girl behind soccer and his friends?? I forbid you to see him today!"

Well, I think I complained to my ma a few times about how bf refuses to listen to me but to his friends instead.
I mean, I like his friends. They're nice people.
But sometimes when bf and I have problems, they tend to interfere, most of the time siding bf.
I have to say, it's pretty annoying.

For instance, yesterday, was supposed to go to bf's friend's house. Bf's friend is Isk.
Hari Raya purposes.
But I quarreled with bf and refused to go.
The night before, bf had said: "Owhkay, since my gf is not going, I'm not going too."
I was happy. First time he listened to me instead of his stoopid friends.
But the next day, he still went to his friend's house.
Suck right? So much for listening to his gf.

So I told ma about this. She was furious. She couldn't understand why bf will only listen to his friends instead of me, his wonderful gf.

But I don't think bf is that bad. I mean, he is nice.
But too adorable such that everybody loves bf (the only person that I know who doesn't adore bf is my big bro. Big bro is jealous of bf for... I dunnoe what reasons.).
Even my pa loves bf (because bf makes a good smoking companion).
And it sucks that everybody loves him.
Because I have to share him with other people.
I'm not the kind of person who likes to share.
When I say that that chocolate chip cookie is mine, it means it's all mine. Only I can eat it.

Owh well. I'm confused.
If bf is a nice bf, why does my ma thinks he is not a good bf? But why do I still think that bf is a good bf even though he always listens to his friends and not me?
And why do everybody adore bf even though I think that he is not a good bf?

My ma said: "No worries my lil girl. I'll find you a really really rich bf who will only listen to you and spend a lot on you."
With this, she's referring to her new boss' son who is old, 28 but pretty rich.
Owh my ma and her rich plans...

But I refuse to listen. For now, my plan is to call big bro up and ask him a favour to make bf's friends hate him.
Hahah.
Just kidding.
I'm not that bad.
I'm good.
A really good gf.

My Ma and Paris loves Shiela

So. Shiela went to slack at my house.
Omigod! I miss her!
Owh, she's changed a little.
She told me many many things such as how her boss at her new workplace (Topshop) would force her to wear thick make-up (so now she looks like me.), how this fat girl got jealous of her own bestfriend because this fat girl's bestfriend has lost weight, how some girl in my school went to work with her at Topshop and wear really really high and sickening heels that goes click clack click clack around the shop, how Shiela's bf got into an accident and got insurance worth about a thousand dolls, how her favourite girl's bf got into an accident and become a vegetable for the rest of his life and how her cat hates her even though Paris loves her and how she learnt how to make henna but never get the hang of it... owh, and I forgot what else she told me.
But.
She told me many many things.

Owh and today, I accompanied ma for a job interview at a mall near where Shiela lives.
She has been out of job for a month and I'm going to die soon if she doesn't get a job because I won't be able to go shopping.
I need money to go shopping to buy um, school neccessaties such as a new set of clothes for the new semester.
Heh.

The interview was freaking long. Two hours.
So I waited for my ma.
I did a lot of window shopping. It sucks not having money and I have to again pretend to be rich and pretend not to be interested with the clothes because they are not my taste whenever the salesgirl asks me if I needed any help.

The wait made me pretty hungry.
I bought my favourite guilty-free snack, cinamon and raisin pretzel.
It is 99% fat-free, no dangerous butter, no killer cholesterol.
But it tastes heavenly.
Yum yum.

Owh and I got myself a just nice dress, not too long and not too short which costs only 20 dolls! Yeay!
It's in pink and blue.
My ma said it's very little girl but I like it.
So who cares, I used my last Hari Raya money for it.
So now I'm again officially broke.
Anyway, my ma got the job.
At this Indon massage parlour.
Cool.
And she said when she gets her first pay, she's gonna bring me shopping for my school's neccessities such as a new set of clothes for the new term and a new set of shoes for the new term and a new set of hairclips for the new term and a bag for the new term.
Heh.
Owhkay, blogging this makes me feel a little breathless.
That's all. 'Til then...